Journal, May 20

Phillocaliste
2 min readMay 20, 2024

--

Every day, I wake up in a haze, wondering if this will be the day I finally break free from the torment inside my head. It’s exhausting, living like this, surrounded by visions and whispers that no one else can see or hear. My mind is a labyrinth of confusion, where reality and illusion blend into a cruel joke that never ends.

I see him everywhere. His face, so achingly familiar, appears in the most unexpected places. He’s there, standing at the foot of my bed, his eyes filled with the love that I once knew so well. We talk, just like we used to. His voice is a soothing balm to my shattered soul, and for those fleeting moments, I almost believe it’s real. But deep down, I know it’s just another cruel trick. He’s gone, and no matter how much I want to, I can’t bring him back.

The pain in my heart is a constant, gnawing presence. It’s a physical ache that never goes away, a reminder of the void he left behind. I’m trapped in this endless cycle, where my mind conjures up his presence just to rip it away again. I can’t tell anymore what’s real and what’s not. Every shadow, every whisper, every glance feels like a dagger, slicing through the thin veil of my sanity.

People tell me to move on, to let go of the past, but they don’t understand. How can I move on when he’s still here, haunting my every step? How can I let go when his voice still lingers in the air, his touch still burns on my skin? It’s a relentless torture, a reminder of everything I’ve lost and everything I can never have again.

Some days, I wish I could close my eyes and never open them again. To escape this relentless torment, to find peace in the silence. But even in my dreams, he’s there, a ghost that refuses to be laid to rest. I’m tired, so tired of fighting this invisible battle, of pretending that I’m okay when every fiber of my being is screaming in agony.

This is my life now, a never-ending dance with shadows and echoes. I’m lost in this twisted reality, where love is a phantom and pain is the only constant. And every day, I wonder if I’ll ever find my way back to the light.

--

--